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Joke !

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sherlock
Posts: 181
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2016 9:54 pm

Re: Joke !

Post by sherlock » Thu Nov 30, 2017 9:43 am

Cold is a relative term. Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion:
Degrees (Fahrenheit)
65 (18°C) - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 - Miami residents turn on the heat
45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 - You can see your breath
- Californians shiver uncontrollably
- Minnesotans go swimming
35 - Italian cars don't start
32 (0°C) - Water freezes
30 - You plan your vacation to Australia
25 - Ohio water freezes
- Californians weep pitiably
- Minnesotans eat ice cream
- Canadians go swimming
20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
- New York City water freezes
- Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 - French cars don't start
- Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 - American cars don't start
0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 - German cars don't start
- Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
- Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
- Miami residents cease to exist
-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pyjamas with you
- Politicians actually do something about the homeless
- Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
- Japanese cars don't start
-25 - Too cold to think
- You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 - You plan a two week hot bath
- Swedish cars don't start
-40 - Californians disappear
- Minnesotans button top button
- Canadians put on sweaters
- Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 - Congressional hot air freezes
- Russian cars don't start
- Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 - Hell freezes over
- Polar bears move South
-90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a froggy, nobody is perfect

1934 BSA three wheeler - 1968 Daimler 250 V8 - 1993 Daimler XJ40 Majestic LWB
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Phillmore
Posts: 779
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2016 1:25 pm
Location: Worcestershire Herefordshire border

Re: Joke !

Post by Phillmore » Thu Nov 30, 2017 10:40 am

very good :D
Andy

1954 Conquest Mk1, 1956 Conquest Mk2, 1957 Conquest Century Mk2, 1955 Austin A90 Westminster

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sherlock
Posts: 181
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2016 9:54 pm

Re: Joke !

Post by sherlock » Mon Jan 22, 2018 5:48 pm

Image
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a froggy, nobody is perfect

1934 BSA three wheeler - 1968 Daimler 250 V8 - 1993 Daimler XJ40 Majestic LWB
Image

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theoldman
Posts: 1101
Joined: Mon Feb 08, 2016 2:39 pm
Location: Bacton on Sea, Norfolk UK

Re: Joke !

Post by theoldman » Wed Jan 24, 2018 8:32 am

Meanwhile in Cromer, a local barber got arrested for selling drugs.

It blew my mind, I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber...................................
Normal for Norfolk

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sherlock
Posts: 181
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2016 9:54 pm

Re: Joke !

Post by sherlock » Thu Feb 08, 2018 6:47 pm

Image
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a froggy, nobody is perfect

1934 BSA three wheeler - 1968 Daimler 250 V8 - 1993 Daimler XJ40 Majestic LWB
Image

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Vortex O'Plinth
Posts: 695
Joined: Fri Feb 12, 2016 8:15 pm
Location: Gloucestershire

Re: Joke !

Post by Vortex O'Plinth » Sat Feb 10, 2018 12:03 pm

Capture.JPG
Nick

Pas d'elle yeux Rhône que nous.

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theoldman
Posts: 1101
Joined: Mon Feb 08, 2016 2:39 pm
Location: Bacton on Sea, Norfolk UK

Re: Joke !

Post by theoldman » Wed Feb 14, 2018 11:19 pm

My missus thinks I'm really tight with my money, so I decided to prove her wrong.

This afternoon i took her out for tea and biscuits.

Apparently it's the first time she has ever given blood...........................................
Normal for Norfolk

Stan Thomas
Posts: 446
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2016 2:14 pm
Location: Penkridge. Staffs.

Re: Joke !

Post by Stan Thomas » Sat Feb 17, 2018 9:45 am

Someone stole my wifes credit card abot three years ago, but I did'nt inform the bank because whoever has got it now is spending less than she did.

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theoldman
Posts: 1101
Joined: Mon Feb 08, 2016 2:39 pm
Location: Bacton on Sea, Norfolk UK

Re: Joke !

Post by theoldman » Sat Feb 17, 2018 11:50 am

A London solicitor representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"George, I have some good news, and I have some bad news "

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The solicitor said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested £5,000 in two pictures that
she thinks will bring a minimum of £15 million to £20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The solicitor replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
Normal for Norfolk

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Vortex O'Plinth
Posts: 695
Joined: Fri Feb 12, 2016 8:15 pm
Location: Gloucestershire

Re: Joke !

Post by Vortex O'Plinth » Sat Feb 17, 2018 8:32 pm

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he
would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what
you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again. Tell him I'll kill him if he doesn’t tell me"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win!
The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed
at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.”
Nick

Pas d'elle yeux Rhône que nous.

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