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Joke !

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sherlock
Posts: 181
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2016 9:54 pm

Re: Joke !

Post by sherlock » Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:34 am

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half ..
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house !'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a froggy, nobody is perfect

1934 BSA three wheeler - 1968 Daimler 250 V8 - 1993 Daimler XJ40 Majestic LWB
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sherlock
Posts: 181
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2016 9:54 pm

Re: Joke !

Post by sherlock » Sun Jan 29, 2017 3:15 pm

Image
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a froggy, nobody is perfect

1934 BSA three wheeler - 1968 Daimler 250 V8 - 1993 Daimler XJ40 Majestic LWB
Image

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sherlock
Posts: 181
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2016 9:54 pm

Re: Joke !

Post by sherlock » Tue Mar 07, 2017 9:31 am

One of my friends owns an unusual Daimler. Any idea about the model ? :mrgreen:

Image

IMHO, the DS420 grill fits particularly well on the FX4.
Last edited by sherlock on Tue Mar 07, 2017 8:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a froggy, nobody is perfect

1934 BSA three wheeler - 1968 Daimler 250 V8 - 1993 Daimler XJ40 Majestic LWB
Image

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captain bobo
Posts: 206
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2016 7:32 pm
Location: Kimbolton, Cambs

Re: Joke !

Post by captain bobo » Tue Mar 07, 2017 8:17 pm

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again and everything, but... something happened. The fact is, your willy was cut off in the wreck & we couldn’t find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in compensation coming & we have the technology to build you a new willy that will work just as your old one did - better in fact! But it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But you'd better discuss it with your wife. I mean, if you had five inches before and you decide to go for nine inches she might be a bit put out. But if you had nine inches before and you decide to invest in five inches this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she helps you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," he asks, "have you spoken with your wife?”

"I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having granite worktops in the kitchen"
Best wishes, Dave B

New Dexter
Posts: 369
Joined: Fri Feb 12, 2016 9:41 am

Re: Joke !

Post by New Dexter » Sat Mar 18, 2017 2:43 pm

An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and Irishman are captured while fighting
in a far off foreign land and the leader of the captors says "We're going to
line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. However, firstly
you can each make a final request."
The Scotsman says "I'd like to hear the Flower of Scotland just one more
time to remind me of the auld country, played on the bagpipes in the style
of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards."
The Irishman says "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind
me of the auld country sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell with the
Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune."
The Welshman says "I'd like to hear Men of Harlech just one more time to
remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir."

The Englishman says "I'd like to be shot first."

Stan Thomas
Posts: 488
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2016 2:14 pm
Location: Penkridge. Staffs.

Re: Joke !

Post by Stan Thomas » Mon Mar 20, 2017 10:54 am

What would be the best thing to do if you were locked in a room with a solicitor, a rabid rottwieller and a tarantula spider - but only had two bullets in your revolver? ...........................

............................. Shoot the solicitor twice!

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sherlock
Posts: 181
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2016 9:54 pm

Re: Joke !

Post by sherlock » Thu Apr 20, 2017 4:08 pm

-"Edward," said the teacher angrily, your essay on 'My Dog' is word for word the same as your brother's."

-"Yes, Sir," said Edward, "It's the same dog !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a froggy, nobody is perfect

1934 BSA three wheeler - 1968 Daimler 250 V8 - 1993 Daimler XJ40 Majestic LWB
Image

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theoldman
Posts: 1107
Joined: Mon Feb 08, 2016 2:39 pm
Location: Bacton on Sea, Norfolk UK

Re: Joke !

Post by theoldman » Tue Jun 13, 2017 10:25 pm

I know a girl named Lisa,
Lives in Paris, with a very rich old geezer,
So beautiful is Lisa,
If she went to Pisa,
I am sure the tower would stand up straight.....................
Oi!
Normal for Norfolk

Stan Thomas
Posts: 488
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2016 2:14 pm
Location: Penkridge. Staffs.

Re: Joke !

Post by Stan Thomas » Wed Jun 14, 2017 7:30 am

What's the difference between a cat getting run over, and a solicitor getting run over?

There's skid marks in front of the cat.

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sherlock
Posts: 181
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2016 9:54 pm

Re: Joke !

Post by sherlock » Sun Jul 09, 2017 11:02 pm

Ordering Pizza, 2017

Hello! Gordon's Pizza?
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

So, I've the wrong number?
No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza.

OK - take my order please…
Well sir, you want the usual?

The usual?
How do you know me?
According to your caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust…

OK! OK! That's it! GO!!
Sir, may I suggest to you this time ricotta cheese, arugula with sun-dried tomatoes?

NO! I hate vegetables!
But your cholesterol is high!

How do you know?
Through the Lab subscriber's guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I want my regular pizza - I already take medicine.
But sir, you've not taken your medicine regularly.
Four months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network.

I bought more from another drugstore.
It's not showing on your credit card.

I paid in cash.
But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.
This's not showing on your last Income-Tax return, unless you got it from an undeclared source.

WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp.
I'm going to an Island without Wi-Fi or internet - where there's no cell phones or satellites to spy on me.

I understand sir - but you need to renew your passport, as it expired 5 weeks ago…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a froggy, nobody is perfect

1934 BSA three wheeler - 1968 Daimler 250 V8 - 1993 Daimler XJ40 Majestic LWB
Image

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