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Re: Joke !

Posted: Sun Jul 29, 2018 7:45 am
by Stan Thomas
Sign in the window of an outdoor leisure shop last Christmas:

"Now is the winter of our discount tent".

And I once saw a sign in a barber's shop which read "Hair cut while you wait".

Re: Joke !

Posted: Sun Aug 26, 2018 11:43 am
by sherlock
Three men were very drunk and stopped a taxi for a ride. The taxi driver figured that they were not in their minds so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off and told them, “we have arrived”.

The first man gave him money. The second one thanked the taxi driver. The third one slapped him (the taxi driver).

The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them had realized that the car didn’t move an inch, but he faked surprise and asked the third man: “what was that for?”. The drunken man replied, “control your speed next time!!! you nearly killed us!!!”

Re: Joke !

Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2019 10:31 am
by Vortex O'Plinth
Who says men don't remember?

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask where he was.

In a quiet voice he said "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about ten years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said "Yes, I do remember that shop"

He replied "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

Re: Joke !

Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2019 10:42 am
by Phillmore
Vortex O'Plinth wrote: Wed Jan 23, 2019 10:31 am Who says men don't remember?

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask where he was.

In a quiet voice he said "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about ten years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said "Yes, I do remember that shop"

He replied "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
:D :D

Re: Joke !

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2019 9:13 am
by Stan Thomas
We went shopping to Rackhams last Saturday, and finished up in their cafeteria - and whilst the wife went to get the tea and buns, a very elegantly dressed lady sidled over to me and asked me if I was looking for a good time!

"How much do you charge?" I enquired.

"Two hundred pounds" she replied.

"That's far too much for me" I said.

"How much do you expect to pay?" she asked.

Keeping a staight face, I said "five pounds" - at which she stormed off.

Any road up (as they say in Birmingham) the missus came back with the tea, and we sat there for a while. Then the elegant lady came walking back through the cafe, and as she passed our table, she said "See what you get for a fiver!"

Re: Joke !

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2019 9:29 am
by John-B
There have been far, far too many jokes rude to wives or women; it's about time some women members fought back. :o

Re: Joke !

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2019 2:45 pm
by Vortex O'Plinth
John-B wrote: Mon Apr 01, 2019 9:29 am There have been far, far too many jokes rude to wives or women; it's about time some women members fought back. :o
Not sure this is really a joke, but it did actually happen to me and perhaps reflects rather more positively on the female party involved than on myself.

I was in a public meeting one day and found myself sitting next to a very attractive girl. As the meeting progressed I realised she was casting lingering glances in my direction.

I played it very cool and kept my eyes on the speaker but a little later I realised she was actually leaning towards me and sniffing.

'Wow!' I thought - 'that aftershave certainly does what it says on the can'.

She kept up this attention until the end of the meeting when she leaned close to my ear and said 'Excuse me, I think you have dogshit on your shoe.'


As the Punch cartoon would have it - Collapse of stout party.

Re: Joke !

Posted: Fri Nov 01, 2019 5:21 pm
by Sydsmith
Not had one for a long time, thought this might raise a few titters.

Donald Trump was hosting a glitzy banquet in the Whitehouse, he and his wife were seated on top table and next to Mrs Trump sat Mike Pompeo Secretary of State.

Donald's birthday was a few days earlier and never finding small talk very easy with the first lady Popeo asked, did Donald have anything interesting for his birthday? Yes says she, one of his sons gave him a very rare exotic parrot. Oh said the Secretary, can it talk? Talk she says, Donald has already taught it 180 words! Wow! Exclaims Pompeo, but he does not know what they mean? Oh no she says, neither does the parrot. :lol: :lol:

Re: Joke !

Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2019 10:07 am
by Stan Thomas
Did you know copper wire was discovered by two Scotsmen fighting over a penny?

Re: Joke !

Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2019 11:04 am
by John-B
Stan Thomas wrote: Thu Nov 21, 2019 10:07 am Did you know copper wire was discovered by two Scotsmen fighting over a penny?
I think that should be Yorkshire men :o