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Ring any bells?

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New Dexter
Posts: 361
Joined: Fri Feb 12, 2016 9:41 am

Ring any bells?

Post by New Dexter » Sun Aug 26, 2018 1:09 pm

BENCH DRILL:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
"Oh, SHIT!"

Grinder:
A portable cutting tool used to make rivets too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads.
Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle...
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.. When you left your cigarette lighter at home, this is also useful

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
Also proficient at shortening fingers.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an vehiclee to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

6" ADJUSTABLE SPANNER
A small tool used to tighen/loosen nuts in small confined spaces which when you push too hard will slip out of your grip and fall into an obscure tiny hole which you will be unable to retrieve until you disassemble the entire engine.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the scrap can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

6" RULE
For measurements of items under 7"

12" RULE
For measurements over 6"

ALLEN KEYS
Used primarily on screws which cannot be loosened(tightened a philips or flat head screwdriver
Not applicable if your name is Jeff

PIPE WRENCH
For loosening stubborn pipes stuck by rust.
An item alien to Instrument technicians

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

CROW BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
(Also used on fingers and knees to determine that you are out of Band-Aids.
Alternate solution, masking tape and a small piece of paper towel)

SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

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Phillmore
Posts: 820
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2016 1:25 pm
Location: Worcestershire Herefordshire border

Re: Ring any bells?

Post by Phillmore » Sun Aug 26, 2018 4:03 pm

FOOT PUMP - A device to let air out of your tyre.

Stage 1: Let some air out of your tyre as you struggle to fit the adapter onto the valve.

Stage 2: Pump to replace the air you just let out.

Stage 3: Let out most of the air you just put in whilst struggling to remove adapter from the valve.

Stage 4: Go back to stage 1


PRESSURE GAUGE - A tool for letting a bit more air out.
Andy

1954 Conquest Mk1, 1956 Conquest Mk2, 1957 Conquest Century Mk2, 1955 Austin A90 Westminster

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John-B
Site Admin
Posts: 1054
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2016 9:10 pm
Location: Salisbury, UK
Contact:

Re: Ring any bells?

Post by John-B » Sun Aug 26, 2018 4:12 pm

I think this topic should really be in the forum "Technical Articles including Wilf Stephens' SP250 Articles, Descriptive and in-depth articles on how to do repairs or restoration". :lol:

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